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NVC in Action |
My teenager seems frustrated with his homework. He doesn’t quite know how to approach the problem and is in no mood to continue working on his assignment, which is due the next day. Rather than giving him advice, threatening him with consequences or forcing him through his homework, I remembered the NVC approach. I start by acknowledging his feelings. I try to understand what his underlying needs are that remain unfulfilled by the homework. To my amazement, instead of creating more frustration and not resolving anything – the result of my usual approach – my teenager responds with increasing calm. We are able to work out a solution that allows him to continue working on his homework with renewed enthusiasm.
Spousal Scenario
I had become concerned about the long-term effects of genetically-modified food, and wanted to begin consuming organic food only. I asked my husband, who buys the groceries for the family, if he would begin buying organic food from now on. Irritated, he responded that organic food is "overpiced," plus "that store is too far." I was about to protest, thinking, "Isn't health more important than that?!" I stopped. Breathed deeply for a moment, then tried to see his point.
"Are you worried, because you need to protect our resources, and annoyed because you need some ease and convenience when you go shopping?"
"That's right," he said.
"Honey, I'm really worried, and I need to protect our health. I've heard and read enough about genetically modified food that I really don't want to take any more chances. What if you get to that store only every other week and stack up?"
"Yeah, I guess I could do that," he replied.
Knowing my hubby, protecting the budget could have been cause for a minor battle. I was relieved, glad, and actually surprised as to how easy this exchange was.
Workplace Scenario
Your supervisor tells you you need to join a certain committee, the focus of which you dislike. You protest a bit saying you would prefer to join this other committee which is closer to your heart. His tone of voice becomes firm as he explains the reason why he would like you to join committe A and not B. Frustrated, you are about to protest, when you hear a little voice in your head that says: "Listen, listen, listen." So, instead of arguing, you try to understand his motives and express them outloud. "Yeah, I see your point. You're concerned about the current fragmentation of that program, and you'd really like me to work on integrating it. Is that what you mean?" Seemingly relieved, he agrees and replies that if you can find someone else to join committee A, that would be fine too.
Workplace Scenario
A man who reports to you is late for a meeting again. When you inquire about his arrival time he replies that he "lost track of time." You're angry because you're telling yourself, "THAT'S NO EXCUSE!!!" Realizing you're angry you don't say anything for a couple of hours. Once you give yourself empathy, you meet with him. Without a trace of anger in your heart, you tell him how frustrated you feel because you have a need for dependability. Would he agree to find a way to keep track of time that would enable him be in the meeting room a few minutes before the weekly meeting begins? Instead of defending himself as he has in the past, he listens with what you deem as openness and sincerity. He agrees to your request.
More examples of NVC in Action can be found here. If you would like to share your experience, feel free to email us your story at action@alliancefornvc.org or use our contact form.